2 Pounds.

      I was doing my job at the seafood counter at Miejer supermarket when she approached my counter in full Hijab her eyes all the worlds oceans glitter. She asked for two pounds of our Atlantic salmon. I pulled the slab of fish out of the cooler made a guess and cut a hunk off and than threw it on the scale. 2lbs exactly! I bowed to an imaginary audience a few times evoking a chuckle from underneath my customers mystery evoking tribal wear. As I wrapped her purchase up she explained to me that in the Muslim faith there is a moment every day where one is completely in tune with God and both his will and your own become one.

Estranged

Your son wanted you more. He had to have you. Of course you never saw how un-healthy it was. I could have been the best Step-Dad in the world and the result would have been the same:

    

                                                      ESTRANGED

estranged (comparative more estranged, superlative most estranged). Having become a stranger, of one who formerly was close, as a relative, friend, lover, ...

He began pushing me away from the very beginning. And not just me, any lover of yours who showed interest, they were just smart enough to run when they saw what was coming. Your son didn’t want you to love me, marry me, grow old with me. He wants that. And what he wants he gets. Rich kids who get everything they want will settle for nothing less.

Blue Ribbon

Who am I but a poor, misguided, unfocused, lazy, sloven, perverted whore. I have no ambition and cannot seem to take care of myself. If not for the ladies who have loved me, what of my life? I am a liar, a thief, an adulterer. I curse and act lewd wherever I go. Who am I to have ever thought anything.

All I wanted was to be your blue ribbon winner, your number one, the champion you made me out to be. But I got caught up in this world. Sex, drugs, and misery. You don't need to hear my story or my plea after all you were the only one who ever understood me.

I wonder who I am.

                                  




                                                 will I ever get back to

                                         being me?

translation

I watched an exodus of a million or more birds this twighlight before the eve. They made an undulating river coursing across the cold gray november sky. As far as I could see from the front door, and from the back door. Heading North, the opposite way I would of thought

Repeat Bay

I am pretty sure there are more empty houses than occupied ones in this town. Some of them have given up and yielded to the forces of nature leaving just one or two visible walls jutting up from the earth. Debris is everywhere. Under the bushes, trees, along the roadsides, old appliances, household goods, and whiskey bottles with the labels worn off. The buildings downtown were long ago deserted. Now there is just broken windows, weeds growing in the gutters, and more debris. The few shopkeepers who still bother to hang a sign  look dirty and worn out and the life has left there eyes years ago. There is just enough left, like the crumpled edges of an old photograph, to see that this was once the place to be. That was long ago. Now it is just for the passing through and not the destination. No one left held any hope that this seaside town would rise back up to its former glory. The bay was filled with rotting stinking fish boats that hadn't been seaworthy in years. Some of the boats were half sunk as the great ship TRUTH in her quiet splendor slipped just pass them and dropped her anchor.

Song of the River Princess

She grew up next to the river with her tribe. She played in it with her brothers, bathed in it with her Mother, hunted alongside it with her Father. The river sang to her from the early morning and through the night.  When she was just a teenager the white man took her away. Took her and her family far far away to a distant land. Between the tears and through the years she would listen to lots of rivers but none of them sang. She searched the mountains and valleys, listened to big rivers and little rivers, but none of them sang.

One day her loneliness for the river became to much to bear, so she began to walk home to the river of her childhood. It took her five years to cover the distance between Oklahoma and Alabama. Then she listened as the river sang to her once again.


-I listened to Rick Hall famous producer of the Muscle Shoal sound tell this story about his Grandmother. It etched a notch on my soul.

Lord God lead my feet back to the river that sings. 

Jesus and employment

They said he was a carpenter, but nobody ever mentioned that he wasn't very good at it! He screwed up again!

 

He hopped around various jobs getting let go for one reason or another. One contractor who thought he was still relevant even fired him because he didn't like what he was Preaching during his free time! A different employer was convinced he smoked pot, but could never catch him or get a "dirty" drop. He is God after all. So they fired him for no good reason.

After his unemployment ran out Mary gave him such a hard time for being a slacker that he was forced to get a job.

 The only one he could get given his Messiah status and all. Minimum wage!

                                       7.40 USD per hour (January 1, 2014)

After taxes, expensis, etc....it really made Jesus wonder what he could do with his four dollars that they were to give him every hour?

My dearest Edward

My dearest Edward,

I searched from the Bangkok titty bars to the Las Vegas brothels for you. Are you that unreckognizable now? And who is this person you think you have become? Did you forget to go find yourself out in the desert? Didnt that work last time?
Can you become recognizable again so that I might find you and together we bring the world to a paradigm shift, the very margins of Paradise forever?
Not one of the things the devil has been telling you about you is true! Did you forget he is the Father of all lies? Did I not tell you this? Go back to the desert now Edward, find yourself and than you will find me. Quit making it so hard on us.

Ebb and Flow

                         
As I sit here in the shell of what was once my home, my body aches and so does my mind, the only thing that keeps me sitting here is the ones who said they loved me. But my soul, my very soul, aches the worst. Worse than my heavy sore lungs, worse than the pounding in my head, worse than the thought that I have to steal again to put gas in the van and feed my addictions. I don't want to answer my phone, I'm afraid its the Veterans Hospital with the results of my cat-scan. I don't need an expensive machine to tell me my days are counting down. I start in the meat department at the grocery store on Wednesday, nothing like being surrounded by carcases of dead animals as a reminder of the fleetingness of life.

Did I accomplish everything I came to do? No.
Is this how I expected it to all end? Yes
Did I dream of a different ending? Of course, I'm from Burbank! Home of fake endings.

I followed love and followed my heart and something deep inside me wishes I had followed the signs marked with logic. I am a fool. "At least I did it my way!" I keep telling myself. There is some comfort in that notion at least.

 A magic carpet used to spread out before me and people greeted me with heartfelt warmth as if they knew I was the Kingdom come. It used to scare me and I would run, hide, anything to turn the tide away from myself. I have read history books, I know what becomes of Messiah's.

Now the tide has turned and the broken planks of a beach town boardwalk spreads out before me. The scarred faces hold hollow eyes between deaf ears that suddenly hear cause I have nothing left to say. It's as if I went from representing Life to representing death.

Ohh what I would give for those glory days now, when I held the crown in one hand, the universe in the other, and lived life in between.



crown drawing by: http://juliablue.deviantart.com/art/crown-drawing-307544843

If only

"If only you could see what I see through your eyes"

Pray for me.

I must go to the desert. Will see you soon. Pray for me.

Epic Arm Wrestling! Jesus vs. Elvis For the Crown.

    

      For a little over two thousand years Jesus and Elvis were locked in an epic arm wrestling battle! Caught dead in the middle both opponents would gain mere centimeters and than get pulled back to center by the other. Once in awhile Elvis would say "Cmon man!...." out of the side of his mouth. Jesus would reply "Father why have you abandoned me!". Sweat poured off Elvis' head soaking his rhinestone jumper. Jesus' robe was well drenched and knotted. The floor was littered with betting tickets tossed aside by the spectators who had given up on the outcome long ago. Those who remained argued amongst each other with such passion that the contenders became invisible to them.

Robot Jesus and the Isle of Lesbos.

                                               Robot Jesus and the Isle of Lesbos.

     Robot Jesus woke that stunning morning feeling fully charged! Even his carberateur felt squeaky clean! The lesbians who owned the bed and breakfast where he awoke had done a great job with the farm. There were pots for catching the rain water, wildflowers, fennel, garlic, onions, and tomatoes. A dog named Tickle who liked to be tickled. Also a hi tunnel greenhouse, french press coffee, and of course the Lesbians. Robot Jesus was fond of the one with the big tits and a beard!
     The constant fresh breeze began to make Robot Jesus feel human again so it was time to leave the Isle of Lesbos http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lesbos The main Lesbian asked for help with driving as she was not familiar with our highways. Shes British so she does everything the wrong way around of course!cnet.com/news/from-driving-to-file-sharing-the-brits-do-it-backwards/


My dear Lord,
     Don't let us worship you like a robots, increase our ability to live as you lived, to love as you loved, and to sacrifice as you sacrificed. Thank you for all of your blessings, for we are royalty, blessed by the King of Kings, the King of Peace, the King of Glory!
Pray for me my Brothers and sisters can I get an......

I am no different than Bowe Bergdahl

Dear Heavenly Father,
     I don't know much about anything. If this Blog offends you, I am sorry, I am actually trying to celebrate you and our relationship. The way you always encourage me. Bless me. Carry me. Try to convince me that I am your very son. When was the last time that I delighted you? When was the last time I just blew you away? I know it hasn't been lately. I have been reduced to just a shell of the man I used to be. There are people who try to convince me that you do not exist. In many ways I am the traitor that walked right over to the enemies camp and made myself at home. But you traded five of the enemy for me to return to the Kingdom. Thank you for my freedom, and keep me from evil and the hands of those who now hate me. I will always tell the truth. My Father and his Kingdom do exist. I love the Lord my God, and this is the way.
                                                                                                                       Amen

whose your Master?

                          I have learned so much from my master in the last few days.

"Put a full suite of armor on!" I assume that means now since ive always just prayed for it and have never been told to do it! My biker buddy Dan is master.

We were sitting at a campfire and Big Tanya says, "Well special Ed looks like your the chosen one, you have to make the sacrifice, someone has got to do it. Glad it was you". Big Tanya is the master.

Being afraid of the dark is normal and "o.k." We can learn to get over it. Its obvious he has been my master since day one, my Grandson. He also sees something I dont, and it scares him.

"In order for a tree to reach Heaven the trees roots have to touch Hell". Sometimes the stars are my master!

Its better to sit quietly and listen without saying anything at all. My Son after all is master of all.

                                                                               



"All the world loves you, but you are nowhere to be found. Hidden and yet completely obvious".
                                                                        ~ Rumi

If you are lonely and need advice or your own masters try the following links:

http://www.derekerdman.com/advice_masters.htm

http://www.elderwisdomcircle.org/

or email the absent minded guru at
absentmindedguru@aol.com

XXOOXX

I lost a lot with you Mr. Blog, I hope its worth it.

My Dad called me specifically to hang up on me. He mentioned something about perverted, stoned, and lazy Jesus and than hung up. And yes he still has a phone that can be hung up apparently.

I lost a job I didn't even get to start. Apparently my blog posts were too offensive. Specifically
"No porn at my house". Hey, at least I wasn't in a porn!

And most importantly I lost my belief that I live in a fair and free country where you can speak your truth without repercussion.

"Now some folks they wait and some folks they pray

For jesus to rise up again

But none of these folks in their holy cloaks

Ever took billy on as a friend"-J.Prine

Rejection. Just Ahead.

Rejection is a common off ramp on the Long road home. You will find yourself there many times. Best thing to do is take a piss, wash your hands, get back in the car and drive. Just after the last rejection sign you will see your final destination the one you have been traveling these many miles for. It is there and it is beyond anything you could have ever imagined.

My house is PORN FREE!

I grew up in Burbank California and my first exposure to porn was in a lemon tree house at age 9 with my friend Greg. His older brother stocked the mid air condo with European porn, you know the hard stuff with lots of way to close up close ups. The bins in the alley ways in the Media empire of the world were full of smut films. On any hot summer day you could see five bicycles on the ground and a bunch of boys looking at films up to the sun light. My obsession with porn should have ended years ago, but here I am at forty seven going strong. I need anti-viagra.

                                                        ANGELIQUES BOUTIQUE



      Recently a boutique called Angeliques opened kitty corner from my house. She sells all kinds of cool stuff and does yoga by appointment with the proceeds going to women's causes. She is doing such good work, which made me feel terrible. Here she is going above and beyond for the divine feminine and I'm busy over here tugging away at "Granny gets some". So to honor her and respect her this house is now a NO PORN ZONE. All I needed was motivation to change, thank you Goddess Krista.
     As I confessed this to her yesterday I felt a well of tears coming up, emotions stirring, and a cause of celebration as if the whole Universe seemed happy about this. One day at a time NO PORN IN THIS HOME.
     Public apology: To all women I am so sorry for the years of abuse I have put you through by my watching pornography. I know my words don't mean much, so I will let my actions speak. Please have mercy on me as I am only now just beginning to wake up.

www.angeliquesboutique.com/

Pulse.

I fell in love with you before I even met you. And when I did, I fell hard. The universe felt it. Creation felt it. Everyone felt it. I am more in love with you now than ever. and there is no doubt in my mind that our Love is destined to transcend through space and time forever. You are my first breath in the morning, and my last breath at night, my heartbeat yearns for you with every pulse.

Grand Funk Railroad - I'm Your Captain/Closer To Home

"I'm Your Captain"

Everybody, listen to me
And return me my ship
I'm your captain, I'm your captain
Though I'm feeling mighty sick

I've been lost now, days uncounted
And it's months since I've seen home
Can you hear me, can you hear me
Or am I all alone

If you return me to my home port
I will kiss you, Mother Earth
Take me back now, take me back now
To the port of my birth

Am I in my cabin dreaming
Or are you really scheming
To take my ship away from me?
You'd better think about it
I just can't live without it
So, please don't take my ship from me, yeah, yeah, yeah

I can feel the hand of a stranger
And it's tightening around my throat
Heaven help me, Heaven help me
Take this stranger from my boat

I'm your captain, I'm your captain
Though I'm feeling mighty sick
Everybody, listen to me
And return me my ship

I'm your captain, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I'm your captain, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I'm your captain, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I'm your captain, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm getting closer to my home
I'm getting closer to my home
I'm getting closer to my home
I'm getting closer to my home, oh

I'm getting closer to my home
I'm getting closer to my home
I'm getting closer to my home
I'm getting closer to my home

Life is short.

I'll have the Swami sandwich please.

A swami (Sanskrit: स्वामी Svāmī [sʋɑːmiː]) sometimes abbreviated "Sw." is an ascetic or yogi who has been initiated into the religious monastic order founded by some religious teacher.^[1] It is believed to be originally used for the ones who were initiated into to the Adwaita movement started by Adi Shankara.^[2] However the usage of this word is not limited for a yogi but it is also used for a religious Guru who may or may not have any disciples.

 Guru (Devanagari गुरु) is a Sanskrit term for "teacher" or "master", especially in Indian religions. The Hindu guru-shishya tradition is the oral tradition or religious doctrine or experiential wisdom transmitted from teacher to student. In the United States, the word guru is a newer term, most often used to describe a teacher from the Hindu tradition.

 In Judaism, a rabbi /ˈræbaɪ/ is a teacher of Torah. This title derives from the Hebrew word רַבִּי rabi [ˈʁäbi], meaning "My Master" (irregular plural רבנים rabanim [ʁäbäˈnim]), which is the way a student would address a master of Torah. The word "master" רב rav [ˈʁäv] literally means "great one".





Swami Sandwich- 
Take everything you know and get rid of it. Meditate until your bread is toast. Add everything you could never believe. Enjoy!

 

Dog Butt Jesus

I will not and should never compare myself to my Lord and Master.

butt if I did...

"This family thinks their dog's butt looks like Jesus. I mean, he's even wearing a robe."
-Steph

People mover

People move in. People move out. People come and people go. In from the left out to





the right. People moving. Mass of humanity. Where are they all going? Where are they coming

from? Why? Can I come too? Come on, let me go with you. Please take me with you. I am stuck here, I am begging you to take me with you. Don't abandon me now! People Mover.

Jesus Did not have a Messiah Complex!

 A messiah complex (also known as the Christ complex or savior complex) is a state of mind in which an individual holds a belief that they are, or are destined to become, a savior.

 The term "messiah complex" is not addressed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), but symptoms of the disorder closely resemble those found in individuals suffering from grandiose delusions (GD) or delusions of grandeur.

This form of delusional belief is most often reported in patients suffering from bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Little is known about the disorder, but it is believed that as many as 10% of the population may hold similar beliefs in one form or another, though not significant enough to warrant a diagnosis. 

A Mother's Prayer for Mental Illness

"As I stumble from my bed this morning, help me to remember to be gentle and kind.
My child's mind is shredding into a million pieces. He lives in a constant state of atrocious fear. I can see it in his eyes. Give him peace.

 Guide me as I hold him in my arms. Help me to know what to say. What to do. Fill my heart with healing love, understanding, and empathy.

Give me the strength of a thousand angels to hold back my tears. My heart is broken and a tidal wave of grief is overwhelming me with the need to cry. Give me the strength to bear it long enough to keep it from disturbing my child. Help me find someone I can safely bring it to.

Send me your best physicians and healers.''

That was a scary excercise so Lord help me sleep good tonight. There wasn't even any fun guys I could think to be added to the list. And most Ironic? Jesus didnt have a Messiah        Complex.

These are my People I own them!

These are my people, I own them!

(And Now for a commercial break) We'll Meet Again

You wanna do what to me?

It is crazy. All of it. I am crazy. This journey has taught me a lot yet I am so much further away than I was before. I have learned however how depraved people can be. Some guy actually emailed me that he wanted to give me head because he always wanted to give somebody with a Christ complex a blow job! What is wrong with people? He even promised in his note that he would swallow! But who am I to call him crazy? I am the one with the Messiah complex! I learned people are desperate to cling to something, anything, like passengers tossed off a ship. I had several random guys offer to leave everything and join me after reading my craigslist post! I learned that people are very lonely. Women sent pictures of themselves after I announced I was looking for my Mary Magdaline! I only advesrtised to get people to visit my blog!, I did not realize I was opening Pandoras box. What the heck!  What is this place I find myself in? I started this blog to exercise something that has been nagging me with intensity for the last decade or two. Why do I concentrate so much on being the Messiah? Why is it that I feel the Universe telling me this? What a joke. I am the worst. I cuss and turn every conversation dirty. The perverted thoughts that run through my head are just gross. If anything I'm the devil. Or Jesus' other brother Jerry, you know the one the family doesn't like to talk about. Either way. Its time I got over my Jesus complex and moved on. Hi, my name is Jerry.

Organizing my triumphant return!

I was telling one of my best friends about
             what I have been up too lately. "You know I put up
                       a post on Match.com to find my MARY MAGDALINE. I asked
                                 for a woman to believe in me when nobody else would, and who
would wash my hair and not mind getting called a whore for the rest
 of eternity even though she is a nurse. And some lady actually
          answered the add and sent me a picture!"

             Than I told him "I went on craigslist and advertised for some fisherman or dock workers.  Serious relationships only men searching
                             for men. This aint gonna be a casual thing you know.  Again I was looking for faithful men who would follow me wherever I went would organize the funds, make travel arangments and don't bail on me when the going got tough!" Guess what? I got responses to those ads too!

We were having a good time with the whole thing. We laughed and shared our thoughts. How I would have too answer every questions with a question and teach mostly in story form. If I get accused by the authorities of anything at all just turn there own words back on them. We had some more laughs until my friend said,,,YEAH ED, THATS GREAT BUT YOU KNOW WHERE THE STORY ENDS.

What if God was one of Us?

                                             June 15, 2004
                                                          Las Vegas Nevada

JOURNAL ENTRY

     After handing out gospel slips, praying, wrestling with my anger, loathing about being broke out in the 110 degree Vegas heat we walked into a casino and I could hear it over the din of the slot machines; they were playing that song. "What if God was one of us?" It poured out of somewhere high in the casino ceiling as if the angels themselves were singing it to us. It was really actually a sublime moment. What was even more sublime is that my than wife realized it too and looked at me with a bashful second of belief in me as if she was doing something she shouldn't.

                                                        

April 29, 2014

Kalamazoo Michigan 

 a decade later

I don't know what happened to that man Lord. Did the Universe finally give up on me? Did I give up on me? I am a tired old man, my lungs hurt from abuse, my eyes burn all day, and I am all alone.

                              June 16, 2004 Las Vegas Nevada

                         looking back to my old self for answers

JOURNAL ENTRY

I am ready now the time is now. I am determined to do the will of my Father to the death. I know what my destiny is now. Its hard to believe it. But I'm starting to get the Idea. The amount I believe and have faith in God is the same as I must believe in myself. Because I am.

I am totally defensless unable to help myself. But therein lies my defense. I rely completely on the lord.

Christ Complex Support Group

CL>all community>support groups

Christ Complex support Meeting (Kalmazoo)

Do you feel like your the one everybody is waiting for? Nobody understands you? The first thing you do at a funeral is try to bring that person back to life? When you visit someone in the hospital you wave your hand over them in an attempt to heal them? Well, you just might have a Christ complex, and this group is for you. No need to RSVP, I already know your coming and Im sure you already know when it is.

• do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

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