Monday, July 14, 2014
Ebb and Flow
As I sit here in the shell of what was once my home, my body aches and so does my mind, the only thing that keeps me sitting here is the ones who said they loved me. But my soul, my very soul, aches the worst. Worse than my heavy sore lungs, worse than the pounding in my head, worse than the thought that I have to steal again to put gas in the van and feed my addictions. I don't want to answer my phone, I'm afraid its the Veterans Hospital with the results of my cat-scan. I don't need an expensive machine to tell me my days are counting down. I start in the meat department at the grocery store on Wednesday, nothing like being surrounded by carcases of dead animals as a reminder of the fleetingness of life.
Did I accomplish everything I came to do? No.
Is this how I expected it to all end? Yes
Did I dream of a different ending? Of course, I'm from Burbank! Home of fake endings.
I followed love and followed my heart and something deep inside me wishes I had followed the signs marked with logic. I am a fool. "At least I did it my way!" I keep telling myself. There is some comfort in that notion at least.
A magic carpet used to spread out before me and people greeted me with heartfelt warmth as if they knew I was the Kingdom come. It used to scare me and I would run, hide, anything to turn the tide away from myself. I have read history books, I know what becomes of Messiah's.
Now the tide has turned and the broken planks of a beach town boardwalk spreads out before me. The scarred faces hold hollow eyes between deaf ears that suddenly hear cause I have nothing left to say. It's as if I went from representing Life to representing death.
Ohh what I would give for those glory days now, when I held the crown in one hand, the universe in the other, and lived life in between.
crown drawing by: http://juliablue.deviantart.com/art/crown-drawing-307544843