Saturday, March 29, 2014
It used to be I would get down on my knees at the foot of the bed and beg you for forgiveness and tell you how much I love you and beg you for forgiveness for not doing better and feeling like somehow I was meant for something better than this why would I spend the last decade feeling convinced that you were trying to tell me I was your son, the second coming of Christ. Judy told me I was the one at her bedside, Devon a little fourth grader told me I was the one walking down the hallway, a bum pushing a shopping cart down the street in HOLLYWOOD purposefully moved to the other side of the street screaming at me "what do you want with me Lord, stay away from me Lord!" The old man I had never met before told me the same thing, even my psychologist told me he didn't think he was qualified and was in no position to do the job I was asking him to do. I looked in the mirror and saw you the way I saw you when I saw you thirty seven years ago only it was me. I have been a miserable failure at everything I have ever done, I have nineteen dollars in my bank account, one weeks left of unemployment, a wife who isn't really my wife, her Father and her Son will have nothing to do with me, no job, and you are still trying to tell me that I am the one everybody is waiting for! I went forty one days without eating just so I could tell you I went one more day than you, and you went camping with me. My lungs really hurt, is it cancer or are they just healing? I am the one? how can this be. So....what you are saying is that basically I am the son of God, able to cast out demons, walk on water, I wish I could make Glasses on or off ( that's an alias so I don't incriminate anyone : but if I turned out to actually be God and nine months from now she would be ecstatic so it wouldn't matter anyway) pregnant with just my words so her and her husband could be happy and her anguish would go away. There family is so lovely, and she is so depressed without a child. Sometimes people do a double take when they look at me, and it is very scary, because they know who i am and go about there business anyway. How did I disappoint you Father, how much further away from the truth can I be. One time while at the Museum people were looking at some manuscripts in a glass case. My Mom whispered too me that some day people would be looking at my manuscripts the same way! Ill never forget it. She wasn't one to encourage me all the time, or at least I didn't know about it. But when she said that it was wonderful, unbelievable, but wonderful. One day when I walked in too work and it was raining cats and dogs outside my boss said to me, " Okay! We get it! you are the one, now can you make it stop!" Two years later she would fire me. O my Father this is such a lonely road. Mary Magadeline makes fun of me and my Christ Complex. My psychologist would answer me when I told him of my delima " who am I to say you are, or arent?" Turns out he was qualified for the job. For whatever this means, and whatever this life is, I love you Father and am glad to be on my way home. Thanks you for forgiving my wondering and my straying. I am sorry if my absence hurt you. I know you have feelings too.